My New Fight: Mental Health
I Need Help
I am ill. Physically I am fine, apart from the parts that aren’t working properly. I am having mental health issues. My head is screwing with me.
I partially blame myself and predominantly blame the circumstances of what I have allowed myself to be put through, and now it has come to a point where now I have acknowledged its existence. Because of this, it has breached my consciousness and now I am paying for it.
The problem
I knew I had been suffering from depression for a while but I had just lived with it. Recently, I have been noticing it more than normal. It was starting to bother me. In the end, I confided with a colleague from work who suggested speaking to a doctor. Deciding to follow his advice, the doctor placed me on sick leave for the next few weeks for “Work-related stress.” I believe it may be more than that, but I will have to wait to speak to a counsellor.
Acceptance
Because I have accepted this, my head is getting harder to use at the moment. I am trying my best to learn some new things and trying to work things out. But I get to a point where my mind just says no. A brick wall covers my brain and I can do nothing but feel weighted down by it all. The only thing I can do is walk away until the pressure is gone. Then I might be able to do some of the tasks I need to do.
It has taken about a week to allow myself to write this down and I can feel the pressure coming back already and I will have to stop soon. I want to do more but my mind is fighting me.
Today I wanted to do some online shopping. I had to force myself to get started and try and concentrate on the job at hand. As I came close to the end my mind started to ease up and relax.
The only thing I can do now is to relax, watch some programs and try to ease my mind.
It’s the next day, and at the moment, I seem to be doing okay. I have been able to do a lot of different tasks, and I am doing well. I have been feeling it on one side of my head. But at the moment, it’s behaving itself. I am having a good day.
So what have I been doing with myself?
Not a lot really. After I had spoken to the doctor. I had to wait for a little while so I could collect the sick note. They gave me a number so I could contact Inclusive Thurrock. This is a place where you can get access to counsellors. But there is a period of waiting. I booked an appointment to speak to an assessor. A few days later I had to fill in a self-assessment form for the assessor to go over before speaking to me.
I am not okay
When I eventually had the phone call. I spoke to a lady named Barbara. She had built a different picture of me from how I was on the phone. I hadn’t realised that I had filled in the form in a way that essentially had me lying to myself. She was shocked by how depressed I was compared to the form. I hadn’t even realised how bad I was. I’m still not sure. I did come close to breaking down during the call when I had to go over why I needed help.
Eventually, Barbara told me it would be a while to speak to someone and suggested I attend a webinar for the next three weeks until they could find someone to help me. The webinar will start on the 7th September.
At The Moment
So mostly, I have been sitting around at home, on my computer, trying to work out some things that can help me move on, but it is not going so well. I have been trying to do too many things at once and I need to work out what I actually want to do.
I have managed to get out on my motorcycle, Tiffany, picking up the wife from work and taking her to see her dad at the crematorium. But mainly, I have been at home. I am liking it: The quiet, the enclosure of it all, I know it may sound a little bad, but I can not be bothered with all the noises and lights I have to deal with the outside and working life.
Now, I will just have to wait and see what happens next: Working on myself and slowly improving over time.
If you are feeling the same in any way. Please contact your GP. Or go online and search for your nearest counsellor or psychologist. Help is available if you need it.
