Mental Health. My Journey So Far…

I Thought I Was Ready. How Wrong I Was.

It’s been a few days since it happened. I am more or less better than I was before. I thought I was ready.

So what happened?

My sick note had run out I believed I was ready to return to work.

The morning started a little different than usual I had to go down to London for an appointment to see a consultant doctor about an accident I had a few months before. It was nice to get out and do something out of the routine I had been relying on for myself, which consisted of sitting at home in front of my computer trying to work out what to do with my life.

The whole journey lasted about four hours. Bus, train, change to other platforms, breakfast from Greggs and then a walk to the clinic. Speaking with the doctor and back again.

After coming home I managed to get a few hours sleep before going in, trying to ignore any niggling thoughts I had.

I did well. Doing what I usually did to prepare to start work. But that’s when the problems began.

I had to do a return to work conversation and form filling. Before I entered the office to speak to a manager, I met up with the Senior Rep of the union. We had a quick discussion about how I was doing and so on. My head was starting to get a bit jumbled. I answered him as best I could. He said he was there to help. We shook hands and parted ways. I then made my way into the goods out office.

Standing around, I waited for a manager to acknowledge me. I was in no rush. Eventually, one of the managers took me to a side office to fill in the form.

He Only Asked One Question.

We sat down. The manager had his pen ready to go through the form. He then turned to me and said one sentence. A sentence I had answered many times before with no problems. But today. I simply just couldn’t answer it. Am I 100% ready to go back to work?

My brain crashed. A multitude of emotions flooded my mind. I was unable to say anything. My body, though nothing was wrong with it, stopped moving. I was on the verge of tears. Then I wasn’t. I was stuttering. My mind was spinning, and I tried my best to control it. Fight it. That sought of made it worse. I kept apologising to the manager. I tried to breathe. The top half of my body tried to control my brain by flexing my hands and twisting in my chair. I wanted to stand and get away, but my legs wouldn’t move.

It took a couple of minutes. But in the end, I told the manager I had to go home. He understood. I would have hated to see it from his point of view.

Eventually, I managed to regain my legs, and we left the office.

I am tearing up writing this bit. I don’t know why. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Okay. I am back.

So, the need to leave was so critical right there and then. As I walked, I slowly calmed down, collected my gear from my locker and made my way out. I stopped by the union office and spoke to the Senior Rep again, explaining what happened and thanked him for making me realise I wasn’t ready to return to work. We shook hands again, and then I left. I spoke to a couple of other people as I headed towards my motorcycle, Tiffany. Waiting there for a few more minutes to calm down. I phoned the wife. Eventually, I rode home. Blaring out some BabyMetal on the helmet headset.

At Home

I stayed away from my “office” computer for a few days. I don’t know why. But I couldn’t face it. I have been binge-watching an old series called Suits. Never seen it before, It is helping to clear my head, and I am enjoying it. I have had a headache for the past couple of days. I’ve had to resort to using my tinted glasses to try and help me relax my head.

I got in contact with my doctor to get another sick note.

At the moment, talking about work and my feelings about it seems to be maybe one of the reasons I am having these problems, and I need to get through that part to help me to be able to continue forward. I am waiting for therapy, but it will take a while, to speak to someone.

If you are having mental health issues. Please contact your doctor for some help.

Help is out there. You just need the courage to ask.