My Wife Saw Me Do It!

My Mental Health Journey #3

It’s been a few weeks since my last blog. I thought I should write an update.

I Wrongly Self-Diagnosed

So, in my previous blog. I was going by the assumption that I was suffering from anxiety. This was due to the only reference I had in front of me was my wife, who suffers from this. I was going by her experience. A few weeks ago, I started my therapy sessions with Inclusive Thurrock. After a couple of sessions, it was concluded that I was suffering from panic attacks.

I also have been suffering from constant headaches for the past few weeks. My therapist recommended I speak to my doctor. I have had a blood test done. And I am on a four-week course. Twice a day, of Naproxen.

It Took A While To Get This Started

I tried to write this last week. I was going to write about what happened to me at work. But at the moment, this has taken over my thoughts. Maybe I will write another blog about that after this.

I started by trying to find a video of what I have seen in a tv show called Mr Robot. The idea was: I could show you a little of what I go through. The scene showed Darlyne having a panic attack in an airport toilet. But I couldn’t find the part of the scene I wanted to show you.

This led to viewing loads of different videos showing people having attacks. Because of this, it triggered my wife’s anxiety a little. It was also affecting me as well. I stopped for a while and eventually went to help her, with changing some sheets. As soon as I touched the sheet, I had an attack.

The Wife

My wife had never seen me have one before. I had helped her plenty of times when she had her attacks. There really isn’t much I can do to help her except make sure she feels she is in a safe space and let her ride it out. Making sure she knows I am here for her.

If she isn’t at home when it happens, I have to get her attention to get her home. Sometimes this means I have to be a bit mean to her, to get her moving. Otherwise, she won’t see or notice anything. When it’s over, she’s exhausted. So next, her options are: to get something to eat and drink or go for a nap.

One thing I did for her was introduce her to music therapy. It’s simple really you find the music that identifies with the intensity of the emotions you’re feeling. Harmonious equilibrium. That can level you out. My wife ended up with a death metal band called Cradle of Filth. The mixture of heavy metal, classical-style music and screaming. This seems to soothe her.

For me, she did panic a little but held it together while I went threw the motions. The word “Breathe” seems to be a continuing theme. Spoken when I go through this process. Crying seems to be a thing as well. However, it doesn’t feel like I am crying. My eyes just gush out water. I have no control over this. While I am bent over, leaning on whatever is available. Frozen to the spot while I am trying to breathe.

Breathing

It feels weird, the breathing part. My lungs feel absolutely fine. But I am short of breath. I am told, by some, that it has to do with my brain not getting enough oxygen. Or that I have too much oxygen in my body, according to a YouTube video. But I worry about my head more than anything. This is sometimes where the pain comes from. It feels like I am wearing a helmet under my skin. But the helmet is crushing my head with the feeling of pins and needles.

This time around, I was lucky. I just had to worry about breathing and shaking. And afterwards, the enjoyment of stuttering.

During this time, I had made it from my bed to sitting on the floor until finally, I was on all fours, riding it out. All the way through, my wife keeps telling me to breathe.

That’s another thing that bugs me as well. In the beginning, when the person keeps saying breathe to you. All I want to do is tell that person to F off. Patronising even. I know how to bloody breathe! Okay? But after a while, it’s almost a mantra. Hypnotising you to try and relax.

It only lasted a few minutes after wiping my eyes and cleaning my glasses. I was tired and had an anchoring for some Greggs sausage rolls, which I had in the freezer. While I waited for them to cook. I had some bourbon biscuits with some Dr Pepper.

Homework

My therapist has given me some homework: A panic diary. I have to write a record of what happens to me when it happens. And I have to work out why it happened in the first place.

I am getting used to these attacks and understanding why they are happening. Hopefully, when I have dealt with the problems causing them. They will disappear. And with understanding, they may never return.

If you are having mental health issues. Or are unsure about certain things that may be affecting your health. Please consider getting some help. There are people out there for you. All you have to do is ask.